“Please stop! Don’t do any more!”

My client’s voice on the phone sounded frightened and panicked. But that was not unusual. What was, though, was that she was stopping me from working on part of a larger project. I had ambivalent feelings about halting mid-project.

On the one hand, I like big, multi-faceted projects like this one, involving both print and Web writing. (And, of course, the ability to bill hours for research, communications, writing, revising, etc.) But on the other hand, I had a major problem with the project. Namely, that try as I might, I could not understand what the client wanted. This kind of client (of whom I have had few) might be called the “Oracle at Delphi” type.

The Delphic Oracle client

Guess what I'm thinking.

I am a Gemini, which means Mercury, the astral body named after the messenger to the gods, is my ruling planet. So communication is my happy, happy place. I enjoy it. And I’m pretty good at getting the point and making a point, most of the time, anyway. So I feel terrible when, whether because of the client’s or my own failure to communicate (Did you see an image of Strother Martin wearing mirrored aviators just now? I did.) produces less-than-peachy results.

The most important thing (actually, two things) about which I’m unclear: One, am I off my client’s project, or just on this part of it? And two, is the client panicking because of my bill, which I e-mailed on January 1? Oh, there’s a third thing, the most vital of all: Will I get paid?

I imagine I’ll find out soon. Say, can you direct me to the nearest Delphic Oracle? Umm. Maybe I’d better just consult my Magic 8 Ball.

Back in my agency days, our clients were large corporations who had CFOs and accounting departments taking care of their books. Today, as a freelance writer in Kansas City, I’m often trying to help small business owners whose staff is limited to a handful of people. And maybe they don’t have an accountant, or even Quickbooks to keep them on track.

When small business owners ask me, “Can you give us a business plan?” I have to say, “That’s not my specialty,” and refer them to the Kansas Small Business Development Center. There’s one office located at Johnson County Community College, in case you’re interested.

The KSBDC is a largely unknown entity funded by the State of Kansas specifically to help small businesses get their act together.

They have counselors and advisors there who can help you see where you are, where you want to go, and how to get there. Their help could range from helping you create a business plan to figuring out how to drive more traffic to your website.

Raise your Web rankings with effective blogging.

I’ve referred two small business owners there. One has gone to classes there to learn about business plans, marketing his business, and more. The other is still too busy doing his own business to take time out and go to the KSBDC for advice.

That’s a problem for small business owners. Many are not only doing whatever it is their business is about, but also trying to run their business, from accounting to maintenance to marketing.

I can’t help you with accounting or maintenance, but I can help you find the right person to help you with them. I know a QuickBooks pro, for example, who helped one client see the financial landscape of his business for the first time in 15 years.

Small business owners, you've got enough to do. Let me give you a hand with marketing.

If you generally charge clients $75 per hour for a service call (let’s say), and you spend five hours on a marketing effort, well, you’ve just cost yourself $375!

Why not let me help you with advertising, Web copy, brochures, or any other marketing effort you need? When you pay me the $75, you can be out earning the money to pay for it. And you’ll be a lot less frazzled by trying to do something that isn’t second nature to you.

If I can help you with writing, strategizing, researching or implementing your online, print or broadcast marketing plan, just give me a call at 913.236.7595. I’ll be glad to meet with you and see what you need and find a way to get it done.

The first time a new client offered me a couple hundred bucks upfront, I was surprised. Of course, I accepted the money (My motto: Never say “no” to money a client offers you, unless it’s to carry out a Mob hit.).

My fee does not cover whack jobs.

Well, here’s why: It’s a gesture of good faith. It’s also a token of their esteem for you. And, like an engagement ring, it’s a symbol of engagement. You’re together, and you expect to stay together—at least until your fees for work done have exhausted the upfront retainer.

My business manager won't let me.

If a client wants to solidify his/her relationship with me, sure, I’ll take a small retainer upfront. If not, that’s okay, too. I’m easy to work with.

One thing I have been doing, though, is asking a new client to sign an “Engagement Agreement” setting out certain understandings about my fees and what types of activities they cover, billing procedures, payment, late payment fees, and so on. It gets everything on the table, so there are no surprises later.

Getting a written agreement from a client is a good idea (and less heavy than the Contract I tried that caused new clients to have instant panic attacks). But my business manager is telling me I still need to:

(a) ask for retainers upfront without blinking;
(b) turn down “spec” jobs, unless they’re for causes I support; and
(b) raise my fees to their pre-recession levels.

But my business manager is me, and I tend to ignore me. So if you’re thinking of hiring a Kansas City freelance writer, better do it now, while my business manager is in sleep mode.

Here’s a great article about how to keep them awake, involved and interested.

Often, I come across a minor proofreading glitch in the Kansas City Star. But seldom does the Star misspell a headline in 40-point type. It’s like screaming “I’m an idiot!” Take a look at this monstrous blunder which appeared in the Green Bay Press-Gazette recently.

Run out of G's, or what?

Of course, the Internets (that series of tubes) have made blogging ridiculously easy for millions of bloggers around the globe. That’s what’s new about communicating your thoughts to a large audience, sometimes with the intention of selling them on an idea, a product or a service. What’s old about it is the tradition of communicating with purpose.

Blogging began unauspiciously, with a few isolated souls pouring out their hearts and/or minds in what could loosely be termed “columns” for the enjoyment of themselves and their friends. Suddenly, you didn’t have to get into a newspaper or magazine to have your thoughts blasted out to the world. Wow! The power!

Then, via Blogger, WordPress and TypePad, blogging exploded into a major enterprise. I say enterprise because people began to realize that instead of blogging about “What My Cat Told Me Today,” they could blog about ideas, products or services they could sell. Conservative, progressive, retail, wholesale, IT-oriented and other blogs abound today. Conversations with strangers take place via comments on blogs. Amazing.

Is it all so new, or was there a long tradition of blogging, before the word was invented? Hm.

Take a look at the cave pictures at Lescaux. Why would people 17,000 years ago draw pictures of bison on cave walls? Daniel Quinn, in The Story of B, hypothesizes that the paintings were instructional in nature, created in order to communicate successful hunting strategies. That sounds kinda modern, doesn’t it? Like a blog or a PowerPoint.

How about P. T. Barnum’s postings of the progress of Jumbo the Elephant toward the next town where he’d be appearing? Isn’t that pre-Internet blogging? Of course, meant to whip up excitement about seeing this exotic animal from afar when he finally arrived. Don’t blogs sometimes do that? “Be sure to sign up for our (whatever) Webinar next week! Secrets of successful blogging will be revealed — From the King of Blogs himself!”

Seems to me the new wrinkle is the ability to communicate via Web. But blogs, tweets and other messages are just a newer version of cave painting. Or any other messages distributed widely for a purpose. Hey, even Paul Revere had a message, and he wouldn’t have had to race from place to place on a horse to deliver it if he’d had the Web!

Well, I hope all two of you who read my blog posts have a very happy Thanksgiving and that you take time to express gratitude for all the people, things and events of your life. I surely intend to.

Can using Facebook and Twitter really bring your business more business? Is social media just smoke and mirrors? Should a girl kiss on the first date? Wait a minute. How’d Groucho Marx get in here? Anyhow, in regard to the biz-building effectiveness of FB and Twitter, the answer depends on who you talk to.

They're everywhere!

Is social media 21st century patent medicine?

It seems to me the lion’s share of money to be made via social media goes to the social media “experts.” Want a higher Google ranking? Gotcha covered. Want better monitoring of your Web visitors? I can help. Need an integrated social media marketing plan? Can do. Will I get results that will justify the money I spend to get them? Can’t guarantee anything, and it’ll cost you several thousand smackeroos to find out. Such a deal! Sign here.

Now, a big new study indicates these two Web sensations may not create as much buzz or biz as we’ve been led to believe.

According to the study, more than 2/3 of companies have been using Facebook and Twitter to generate business. Yet only 29% report these two social media venues have had any effect whatsoever in generating business. To download a free copy of the report, go here.

Okay, you might say, about one in three companies using FB and Twitter have benefited. That’s reason enough to invest the time and money. Can’t hurt, right? Not so fast there, pardner. Yes, it can hurt, right in the old bank account.

The fact is, social media costs time. Keeping up an effective presence on Facebook and Twitter and using these applications to direct people to your website and drum up business takes a LOT of time.

Are you going to spend your own valuable time Facebooking and tweeting? Figure out how much per hour your time is worth, and you’ll quickly decide against that strategy. It also costs money to hire someone, even part-time, or a company that specializes in social media marketing, to do that work for you.

Social media may be free to utilize, but keeping up a viable, profitable marketing presence via Facebook and Twitter costs lots of time and money. Unless your business is involved directly in Web-related business (because many customers and providers of Web services use FB and Twitter), it doesn’t look like a good gamble to me.

The only sure-fire application on the Web, that I know of, is LinkedIn. And nobody’s selling LinkedIn. Know why? It sells itself. If you are in business, it’s a given that you need to be on LinkedIn. That’s where people look for partners or contractors or even just get in touch with people they’ve worked with before. That’s where people go to look at your resume, your profile, and find out more about you. Maybe even recommend you.

Since I’ve changed my LinkedIn page to maximize its effectiveness, using hints that came from the actual creator of LinkedIn, I’ve started getting inquiries about blogging and writing from across the U.S.A. No kidding. I’m working with one on a permanent part-time basis, because he saw on my LinkedIn profile that I have a financial background. I got a call from a man in Newport Beach wanting me to write blog posts for his business. I’m starting to work on copy for a new client’s brand-new website. Hey, LinkedIn works!

Social media: the cherry on the banana split

Recently, I did a rush article for a client. She agreed to the fee (2 hours’ regular fee plus $50 for rush), and I provided the article hours before her deadline.

I billed her… and waited.

I billed her again… and am still waiting.

I didn't even get this much communication!

• She’s broke and was too embarrassed to say so (I would have worked out a payment plan for her, if that would help).

• She never intended to pay me in the first place (in which case, she’s a cheater and a liar); or

• She meant to pay me, but then she had some unexpected setbacks and couldn’t (See first reason above).

• She ran off to South America after pulling off a bank heist.

• She is lying in a hospital somewhere after a bad accident and can’t speak. Obviously can’t e-mail.

• She is deceased.

No way can I know which if these, if any, is true. That’s what gets to me.

Once, I bugged a client for $400 he owed me for an entire year. Dozens of phone calls, e-mails, calls to the Accounts Payable Department of his company. Finally, I got the check. But what did all this fretting and bugging do to me? It kept me upset for a whole year. Maybe shortened my life by a week or two. That was the first time I got screwed over. This is only the second (unless she pays me) in nine years, so I guess I should be glad that the great majority of my clients are honest and pay for copywriting assignments on time.

So, this time, whether I understand why this client isn’t paying me for some (darn good) copywriting or not, I’m going to forgive her and move on.

Not for her sake, but for my own.

UPDATE!
I found her phone number and called. Turns out she and her family had been out of town for spring break, and she hadn’t had a chance to answer my e-mails. She said someone in the office is cutting me a check today. Will let you know if “the check is in the mail” or not.

UPDATE! Got the check! Wow.

So it’s up to you to create compelling advertising for a product. All the information you have to go on is a list of product features in a brochure. It does this, it looks like this, it costs this much. Really basic stuff. But you want to get prospective customers excited enough about your product to buy it. Just describing its features the way Mr. Spock would — from intellectual observation — won’t do the trick. You have to find a benefit in the product that will show prospects they need, want or desire it.

So how do you turn features into benefits? By following the WIIFM method. “What’s in it for me?” is the first question the prospect will ask. And it’s the crucial question you must answer. A fact sheet for a banana might list features like “attractive yellow hue,” “soft texture,” “delicious flavor,” etc. But does that make you want to buy a banana? If you’ve never heard of it before? No. Only if it has a benefit for you. In selling, WIIFM (What’s In It For Me) applies to bananas and every other thing under the sun.

“What do I need a banana for?” your prospect asks.

You reply, “Well, bananas are delicious and handy to take on a trip, ’cause they have their own wrapper. They’re great for snacks or sliced on cereal. Each banana has only 100 calories and no fat. They provide the potassium you need every day to stay healthy. And they’re natural and unprocessed, with no food additives. Oh, and by the way, kids love ‘em.”

“Okay, sounds pretty good, but I’m looking for new menu ideas. Got any?”

“You can make fantastic banana nut bread with it, or ring a fruit salad with alternating slices of banana and kiwi, or — well, here — here’s our new banana cookery booklet, ‘Go Bananas With Bananas!’ There are literally hundreds of ways you can use bananas in salads and desserts!”

“All right — I’m sold!”

What’s the difference between a feature and a benefit? A feature is a “so what?”, while a benefit is the “what’s in it for me?”, the sizzle of the steak, the one thing that makes prospective customers sit up and take notice.

The old AIDA formula still holds:

• Attention

You must get the prospect’s attention so they’ll listen to your message. A great visual, a compelling headline, or on TV or radio, a curious sound (or silence)…

• Interest

You must tell him or her something that interests him or her in your product. Some way to use it to solve a problem, some way the product enhances their life, makes them look more attractive, saves them money…

• Desire

What would make your targeted prospect desire the product? (Better health, wealth, quality of life, convenience, deliciousness, fun?)

• Action

You’ve hit the prospect with the benefits that should appeal to them. If they have a need that your product can fill, then they may go out and buy it.

Sounds simple, doesn’t it? It is, but often, advertisers present a list of features, thinking surely the prospect can figure out how the features are beneficial to them. It’s best not to count on their taking the time to connect the dots.

So as an advertiser creating a campaign, always ask, “What does my prospective customer need this (product or service) for?” If you can’t think of an answer, well… think harder.

When it snows, it blizzards. Or something like that. 4Q ’09 was bleak. As of January 1, the avalanche rumbled down the mountain, and suddenly, everybody wanted a brochure, some articles, a proposal, and so on. WOW!

Wrote a brochure for one client yesterday, got feedback they loved it and are going right into layout. That never happens!

Today, need to interview a couple of people for a company newsletter. Then, yesterday, out of the blue, someone I’d written an article for months ago needs another one written — due Thursday!

Everything is due this week and Monday. Had planned to visit my mother in Jeff City for her 94th birthday this weekend. Hope I can get everything done in time to go Saturday, but in case I can’t, I’ve had a lovely FTD bouquet sent to her on Friday, her actual birthday.

Hope everything is going well for you, whoever you are. Now, back to work. Or lunch. Yes, definitely, lunch first, to fortify me for those interviews.

BTW, if you have any projects you’ve been sitting on for awhile, get off them and call me. I’ll fit your project in next week. Promise!

Ciao!